OLDER POST...The Fire

So for once, I’m going to write something on a little bit of the serious side. Some of you are my closest friends in the world. You know it all…the good, the bad, and the ugly.

It’s no secret that the past year and a half has been one of change and affirmations. It has been a scary journey, that’s for sure. Many of you have experienced this thing we call divorce. But just because so many experience this, it does not make it any easier nor are one individual’s the same as someone else’s.

I have experienced many things in my life that most people never have to go through. However, I choose to look at these occurrences as blessings that have made me the extremely unique woman I have become. The people that have hurt me are merely part of this and I have chosen to forgive them because if I don’t they continue to have a hold on my life and that gives them control. Honestly, life is too short.

One of the reasons I am able to let go is because of the love that many show me everyday. It’s unreal the amount of people, family and friends, that consistently express unconditional love to me. If you are one of these people, and you know who you are, thank you!

So with complete honesty I can say I have forgiven my ex-husband for all of the bullshit he has created. It feels so great to say that!! But with forgiveness there is still pain, trust issues, walls with Teflon that are built around me, moments of sadness, and days that I just don’t know if I’m going to make it.

I’m writing this because…I don’t know I just want to and so I am.!

When I think of the past 5 years of my life the vision of a forest fire comes to mind. It started out small and before I could get it out the entire thing was up in flames. There was nothing I could do. The day I woke up was the day I realized no matter what I do, I can NEVER control what another human does or thinks, besides physical making them do something through strength.
The one thing I did have control over was me and what I was willing to live with. Since that day the separation, divorce, etc…has been much easier.

So back to this fire, my life was in flames and I had to choose whether to stay and fight it with my one little water hose or walk the other way and let the forces that be, God, take control. And that’s what I did, I found a clearance where a small path was located and I put one foot in front of the other.

I’m still walking on this path and each day the grass is getting greener. Sometimes there’s even a small wildflower that makes an appearance. Other days there are storms that come with rain and thunder but I just keep walking. Occasionally I look back at where I’ve come from and I can’t see the path behind me because it has been completely singed, burned beyond recognition. When I look ahead there is a clearing in the distance with a small cabin. I can barely see it but it’s evident it’s a cozy place where water, food, and safety are sure to be. I feel out of breath, thirsty, and so tired that I ‘m just not going to make it another step. But then I think about the cabin and my adrenaline kicks in. Each step is one step closer to water, food, and healing.

This cabin for me is my life in several months and years. It’s the friends and family that call me for no reason other than to say, “I love you.” It’s the contentment of watching my baby girl grow up to be a healthy, strong woman. It’s continuing to find and follow God’s will in my life and loving those around me. In this cabin I will be able to feel again and this numbness that keeps me from feeling so much will go away bit by bit.

Hopefully, one day I will also meet that special southern gentleman that I know exists out there, somewhere, and can actually handle this package…I’m no fool I know I can be a lot to deal with. Lol! I think he must be visiting somewhere in an undisclosed location because I have yet to locate him after much pursuit over the past 32 years. One day he’s sure to come home and it will be just the right time. Like Joanne says (one of our writers) timing is everything…

With all of this said, thank you to those that keep giving to me even though right now I have nothing to give back. One day, I hope to return all you’ve done for me.

I’m still laughing people and will be back with a funny post soon. :) Love is serious some days, so there it is….